An advice column where Chicago can ask questions on how to navigate life transitions, relationships, family, finance and more.
Dear Ismael,
I have been a stay-at-home mom for over two years now. Recently I thought about going back to work but I have been struggling with mom guilt. I want to be with my children 24/7 but I also worked hard for my career. And I feel like society tells women to stay home and be a full-time caregiver. How do I stop feeling guilty for doing something I want for myself?
— Guilty Mom in Albany Park
Dear Guilty Mom,
You were someone who had her own passions, goals and ambitions before the kids came along. And even now that you’ve taken the role of mom and caretaker, you’re still a member of the family. So, I would argue, if you go against your own happiness, aren’t you going against the happiness of the family?
If you have the urge to go back after a few years off, that means that line of work means something to you. Whether the job brought you fulfillment or great money you were proud of making (hopefully both), you should not feel ashamed about going back.
My mom was a homemaker for most of her life, but our family wasn’t in the best economic shape. Yes, she could be there for us for life events. But even then, there were times when she would have to prioritize which of the six kids deserved the gas money to see them at a school ceremony or pick them up from an after-school activity.
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And if the school field trips weren’t free, we weren’t going.
I have a best friend whose mom was, and still is, a career workhorse. She works for a large supply chain store in Texas, and we joke that she’s the CEO, but she isn’t — even though she might as well be. Although my friend is proud of her mom and had a nice middle-class upbringing, she does wish her mother was more present throughout her childhood.
This friend of mine is now a mom of two kids, and is also a working mom. I asked her for her advice as a daughter of a working mom, and a working mom who also understands the guilt you feel.
“I think doing both, working and being a stay-at-home mom now twice in my kids’ lives, has really helped me realize that more than anything my kids need me to work. For the sake of my mental health, it helps to be doing something I need that provides income and also keeps me sane. Working moms shouldn’t be ashamed because it’s hard to do both. You come home exhausted, then start your ‘second shift.’ I think every mom has to remember she was a person first before she brought the kids into this world. It’s OK to think of her first sometimes. In the end, a happy mom creates a happier life for everyone’s sake.
“I used to HATE that my mom worked so much. I will say, for those who have a choice, don’t work 80-hour weeks like my mom did. It’s emotional for the kids and you’re missing out on the memories. As an adult, I completely understand why my mom had to work. She worked hard to support us, and when we were little she worked hourly. She took every hour she could to support our family. I just think there can be a good balance. Some careers don’t have the luxury to flex with hours but if she can, she should.”
You feeling guilty isn’t an indicator that going back to work is something you shouldn’t do.
That sense of guilt tells me you will do your best to make up for parts of motherhood where you feel you come up short. Trust that your kids will one day see and appreciate those efforts.
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