DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married a long time. Our relationship is stable but rocky. I have suffered from depression since childhood, and I am now trying to manage it. My husband has his own issues. One of them is that he often brings up something he finds “amusing” about my parents. For example, he mocks my dad and the home I grew up in because it wasn’t fancy. This is hurtful.
I don’t appreciate my husband bringing up Dad’s quirks to belittle him. When I say I don’t appreciate it, he starts yelling and telling me that he’s not trying to hurt me and that I shouldn’t take it that way. Then he goes off and sulks and won’t speak to me for the rest of the day.
His behavior is getting old. It ruins things between us. If you tell someone that what they say is hurtful, but they discount it, what then? Things he may think are funny are not always funny to me. Any advice? — NO JOKE IN OHIO
DEAR NO JOKE: Your husband certainly has a cruel streak. He says things he knows will hurt you, blames you for feeling hurt and then uses it as an excuse to punish you. The term for this is passive-aggressive behavior.
If you plan to stay married to this miserable person, you will have to learn to ignore his comments. When you do that, he will likely increase the frequency of his “funny” remarks. When that happens, continue to ignore him, invite a friend or two to have lunch away from the house or run an errand. If it reaches the point that it’s intolerable, consult a licensed marriage and family therapist or talk to an attorney about how to set yourself free.
DEAR ABBY: My wife was recently diagnosed with a partial arterial blockage. It isn’t blocked enough to warrant an angioplasty or a stent, so her doctors will manage it with medication and diet.
Because my wife now has a special diet she must follow, she has told me I can no longer eat anything in front of her that she can’t eat. I must eat only the food she eats. My health is good, and I have no dietary restrictions. Is this demand she is making of me fair? How do I deal with it? — PUNISHED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PUNISHED: I suspect the diet you obliquely mentioned may be a “heart healthy” one. If that’s the case, during the last 20 years (or so) the American Heart Association has published many cookbooks offering a variety of delicious recipes. (I know this to be true because I have dipped my beak into some of them.)
A heart healthy diet needn’t be onerous, and it could benefit you, too. If you crave something your wife can’t eat, have it elsewhere so she won’t be tempted. It’s not a huge sacrifice to make, and her life could depend on it. Dig deep, give it a try and remind yourself that this is what a supportive spouse does for the person they love.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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