DEAR ABBY: I recently ended an 18-year marriage that should have ended many years earlier. While I was deciding to leave, I met the most wonderful man, “Winston.” He treats me like a queen — the polar opposite of my former husband.
My former home was sold during divorce proceedings, and I took Winston up on his offer to move into an empty trailer on his property. We get along so well, and I’m sorry we didn’t meet years ago and have a life together.
Winston is my best friend. He has been nothing but respectful since our meeting a year ago. We didn’t take our relationship to the next level until my divorce was final six weeks ago. I have been in the trailer for three months now, and I’m very happy. He lives next door in a house with his sister. Neither she nor he has ever married.
We have already talked about marriage. He would like us to be married in around six months. I was thinking of getting ENGAGED in six months, simply because I need time to breathe and I’ve gone through a lot with moving, changing my name, changing my address, etc. This has now caused a rift in our relationship.
I told Winston I DO want to get married, but I haven’t been divorced even two months yet. I need more time to adjust to such a different, more normal, relationship. Previously, he told me “no pressure,” and he knows I need time, so I was kind of floored when he expressed wanting to get MARRIED in six months.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, do you? What should my next step be? I do want a life with him, but I’m just not ready so soon. — PAUSING TO BREATHE IN THE EAST
DEAR PAUSING: You are fresh out of an unhappy marriage. You met Winston on the rebound. You DO need time to recover and establish who you are before committing to another marriage. You stated that after you told Winston you needed to take your time, it created a “rift.” That is a big red flag, and it does not bode well for what a marriage with him would be like.
People are advised to make no important decisions for one YEAR after a traumatic event. I concur. Get to know Winston AND HIS SISTER a lot better before walking to the altar. I’m also advising you to find a place other than his trailer to live so you can learn to be independent again.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a lonely girl without many friends. The friends I do have I hold on to tightly. One of them is now moving to a different state. She said we would stay in touch and I’d see her once more before she leaves, but she hasn’t been answering my calls or texts. She hasn’t been talking to another friend, either. My mom says I should stop calling her and she will answer when she has a chance. What should I do? — LONELY FRIEND IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FRIEND: Your mother is a wise woman. There could be more than one reason why your friend hasn’t responded to your efforts to reach out. She could be busy. She could be having separation anxiety, just as you are. Or she could be feeling smothered and overwhelmed. Listen to your mother and take a step back.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)